It's that time to sign up for classes again--for next semester!  Exciting, right?

Lately, I haven't been so sure about it all.

By "it all" I mean college.  It's not that I haven't been enjoying myself.  There are classes I like a lot.  Classes I really hate and find almost/completely useless.  Overall though, I'd say it's been positive.  I think.  I thought.  While it was happening, at least.  But hindsight makes me second-guess?  I wonder what I've really done with the time here, and then I doubt.  What have a really accomplished?

For most of this semester I was on that artistic high made up of fumes of optimism and sprinkles of self-esteem, but lately of course, where there is a high there must come a low.  So that may be part of my current doubt.  No, it definitely is.  But I don't know that it's all of it.

I've written a lot of my thoughts out already in my sketchbook, to try and 'let it all out', but I'm still conflicted.  I actually kind of want to talk about this with my father, really badly.  Is it bad that I kind of look to him as some kind of cure-all know-all solution to life's problems?  It probably is.  

But I've considered, lately, that would it truly be so bad if I maybe... took a year off?  Or a semester off.  But then, winter break is right around the corner too; that should be break enough, right?  And then after that, I can reconsider.  I have a friend that has spoken to me about quitting college, you see, and while at the time I told him it was a stupid idea (I still think it's a stupid idea until I hear a more well-thought-out plan, but I digress), it's made me think about my own college education and how worth it it is to me.  

The biggest difference is the actual degree.  Having a degree looks great on a resume, and unlike something like illustration or painting, in graphic design a degree should actually matter.  But graphic design is one of those curious careers that straddles a fence--between the creative and the business.  On the one hand, a portfolio really matters.  With a good enough portolio, does a degree even hold up a candle?  On the other hand will someone even look at your portfolio without knowing you first have a degree?  And, of course, college IS meant to educate; the degree isn't just meant for show.  Graphic design employs a lot of technical abilities and software familiarity.  

But I wonder, how much can I teach myself, how much can college really teach me.  Obviously, college CAN teach me, but is it worth it?  Is it worth the debt?  I wonder.  I wonder.  I wonder and wonder and wonder and I can't find an answer?  There is no clear answer!  It depends, it depends on the teachers I get (a whole class can be a waste of time depending on the teacher), the classes I choose, how hard I work, agh, all these things.

Would I even be happy as a graphic designer?  I mean...  I don't think about that stuff.  What I'll end up doing day in and day out after college is through with.  Maybe I'll find out it's really miserable.  

Maybe I would be happier with something that had nothing to do with art.  But isn't it far too late to be reconsidering things like that?  It's just my indecisiveness talking.  I've already thought about this before, and thought about it and thought about it.  I never came up with anything better.

And so, okay, maybe a degree IS useful.  But maybe I'm choosing the wrong one.  My dad convinced me to go for the General Design major rather than Graphic Design, which is far more rigorous, to make room for my Business/Communication Minor.  But will a design firm look at my degree and laugh me out of the office?  Is the difference really that big, or not important at all?  I can't tell.  So maybe in the end, all that investment, and my degree really is next to useless.

Then again, if I made a killer portfolio, that wouldn't matter.  

But so then what about my Minor?  It seemed like a good idea at the time, but do people really care about  Minors regardless?  What if I just took the classes I wanted to and brushed off the rest?  I was always most concerned with the actual, tangible learning I gained from classes rather than how it looked on paper.  But wouldn't it look good on paper?  What if it's not as helpful to me in the future as I thought?  I keep running into crap teachers on RateMyProfessor for the related classes I want, and I cannot cannot CANNOT handle crap teachers.  It's a waste of my time, my money, my energy.

It should be simpler than this.  College shouldn't be a place where I actually doubt whether what I'm learning has value, or if I can learn at all depending on which class or what teacher.  It's a fair trade, education for money, and it would all be so much better if I could just feel safe in the knowledge that yes, they'll teach me everything I hoped for an more.

YES, I'll walk out of this university feeling secure in my skillset for my major.  YES, I'll feel confident in my abilities when turning in my resume and filling out an application at the nearest graphic design firms.  If I'm turned down over and over, I will at least know that NO, it's not because I suck or my degree is worthless, it's because they don't need another person and the economy sucks and the competition is filled up the whazoo with super-skilled and talented individuals.

I don't need to be the best, I don't even need to be great.  But is it REALLY SO BAD to want to KNOW that this college degree I'm working toward is going to at least assure me that I'll be GOOD?

It's like a graphic design degree has all the pitfalls of a typical art degree and only a shaky grasp on the benefits of a more solid business/academic degree.  

Maybe I just need more self-discipline, to make me take better advantage of the opportunities and teaching around me.

Or maybe, like I wrote in my sketchbook, all I need is a bit more PASSION.

almyki